| For the past two weeks, my life is more or less a living hell. Not so much of a hell that most people would imagine, death, devil with a pitch fork and etc, but "hell" as in personal emotional and physical conflicts. (I am sure a lot of you have been there to a certain extent) No, it's not hard to guess what I am going through right now. To the majority, it is just another stereotypical break up story. The guy is a saint, an angel with a halo trying not to hurt the girl too much so he ended early while the girl is a bitch with a pitch fork, letting anger and frustration drive her through each day. Then, the guy shouldn't just give her 2 weeks and hang out with her 3 times and call it "game over", sentencing her and still think he has done the right thing. Two weeks, all of a sudden he has figured everything out, swiftly ended everything, including friendship and left a pile of mess behind. Who said you can't walk away with murder? I think I just witness one. Of course, he was not the one who cleaned up the broken up soul and dead body. Her bestfriend and brother did. They held her, wiped away her tears, washed away her blood, put bandaid on her wounds. In the end she still bled to death. She is dead. I thought once she is dead, anger, rage and hatred would ride me and drive me through each day. Yes, they did. During the day, I am still the Jenny that some of you know, a classmate, a study buddy, a friend, someone who borrows CSI from you, someone who went to the BASS Banquet, and etc. I still laugh, smile, and tease people but everything was done through a pretty mask. At the end of the day, when that mask comes off, everything collapses to nothing. All the emotions that I try to block away during the day, crashing down on me once again, drown me in my own tears and blood. To a point I even lost control of my own actions. I don't know how many times I have digged that knife in my shoulder and watch the blood roll down my arm. I don't know how many times my right hand meets the wall until my knuckles are red. I don't know how many times my friends have told me it's stupid to hurt yourself. But in the end, I still did. There are nights when I woke up from physical pain. There are night that the last thing I know was that my face was wet. There are days where I can't even wear my watch on my left hand without being in pain. Yet, life still goes on. Every morning, I still open my eyes and go to school and try to be a pretty face. Yes, just another pretty face. I thought after this, I will hate the world and live each day with anger. I was wrong. The girl is dead but she left something behind. She reminded me who I am. Hatred, anger, and hurt other people are not my area of expertise. I don't like hating someone. I don't like take my anger out on an innocent. I don't like bitching at someone just because I am in a bad mood (trust me, I wanted to bitch quiet a few people for the past two weeks, just really want to tell them to shut up because I don't care the words that came out of their lips, just leave me alone). I don't want to turn into a mean and callous bitch. Because I don't want other people to put up with me, dealing with me because of someone else's mistake. Do I hate you? Yes, I do, a lot. I hate you for making me feel so unworthy, undeserving, unwanted, a pretty lab rat, an obligation. I hate you for never live up to your words. I hate you for lying to me. I hate you for pitying me. I hate you for kept telling me you care but did nothing to show it. The list goes on and on. Do I want to hate you? No. This is one thing I have to force myself. Ignoring you, hating you only bound me more toward you. I hate you means you can draw emotions out of me. I ignore you implies I can't face you. And I won't allow myself to be afraid of you. However, unlike you when you were hurt, I don't run. I force myself to face you, to just make conversation with you, to see you as another classmate or a stereotypical guy, or just another stranger. Even if that means, I need to pretend every second, I will do it, just like how I live through any other day. I am a girl who is willing to lose everything before losing her pride. So, I am going to find it and never will I lose it for the same person. A friend told me it's is better to live each day with a little pain, than shelled up. Yes, it is a cliche to say, I am going to live shelled, isolate myself. But for me, I am not going to be shelled up, but simply indifferent. Because I learned that a lot of friends are nothing more than a package of lies. What is friendship anyways when a good friend, a great friend can turn his back so easily? I don't want to trust anyone but be indifferent with them, so that no hard feelings when they disappear out of my life. Friends like my other friend had nicely said, comes and goes. Having wrote my last paragraph, I still do want to thank the people who cared during the past two weeks, who tried to cheer me up, who comfort me. Maybe you guys rarely talk to me, but the fact that you left a wall post, talked to me on msn, prayed for me, offered to listen. I thank you. Here I want to give special thanks to my best friend, Chen and my good old brother, Bob. You two put up most of the crap, the tears, the bitching and the torment. You two basically dealt with the after math which is by all means VERY UGLY! For bob, you are the reason why I post this on xanga because you don't have facebook. Bob, I'm sorry that I bitched at you the other day, just things crashed and I could bare deal with it so I took it out on you. I am very sorry. I will still try to your sweet lamb chop. For chen, I am sorry I put you through so much crap. So thank you, Chen, Bob, Wendy, Gale, Ben, Henry, Mark, Brain, Jill, Jennifer, and Christ. I hope I didn't miss anyone. If I did, let me know. |
